see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
