mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Holy sore nipples Batman
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
