So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
even my farts smell like vagina
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
