In the future we'll all be gay
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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