highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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