i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
