How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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