So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
