No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
