if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
