so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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