...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
