i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
