I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
