You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
