I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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