Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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