I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
