I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
