thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
