it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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