Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
