Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
