I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
