Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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