so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
