Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
