hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
