You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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