my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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