What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
