homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
