i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
