dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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