She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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