; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
time to smoke my breakfast
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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