I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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