Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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