He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
