he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
