No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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