what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
