he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
