I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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