If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
