somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
