Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
