why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just high enough for therapy.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
