I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
