it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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